JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: It’s a fine.
MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. "Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many." The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. "Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.". "I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen." "Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.". "Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:’Talking Dog For Sale.’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the owner says. The guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" The owner said "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
The guys who wrote the song “Maneater” started a horse-feed delivery service.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
There’s a little known legend about Attila the hun
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
Did you hear..
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for £50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden