JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: It’s a fine.
MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
Two women meets in the afterlife,
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting…
I wonder what she's up to now?
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
I’m ashamed I never thought of it
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Told this Chemistry joke before on here…
… But I got a very bad reaction
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
