“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
I’m their new spokesman.
They both run to the door barking wildly.
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
Didn't they already have names?
Because all proper tea is theft.
It just sits there and collects dust.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
It was an ether/oar situation…
We were better than The Cure.
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?" I've never been prouder.
He let out a little wine.
the shower gets turned on.
They'll kill your dog
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
but then I lost it.
He takes the art out of rap artist
I like Sony and Yamaha.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
You can’t see in the dark
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
But coccaine is where I draw the line
he said he's an eighth theist
He wanted to be a millionaire too
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
…you've waisted thyme.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
You can only ran, because it's past tents