Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
When you submit shitty code two minutes before the assignment is due for a programming class
https://ift.tt/2KRw7A8
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death
First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I started stomping his hands until he fell. He survived by landing in the bushes but I picked up our fridge and threw it down on top of him and it killed him. Due to all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.” Peter was interested, second guy go. “I was doing pull-ups off the ledge of my 28th floor balcony when I slipped and by some miracle caught the balcony below me and hanged on. I was about to scream for help when a crazed man started stomping on my hands and I ended up falling into the bushes below. I once again survived only to find that now a fridge was about to land on me. It was too late to move so I died.” Peter was shocked but wanted to hear the thirds story. Third guy go. “I was having sex with another mans wife when we heard he was almost home. He was getting closer to the door and his wife said “Quick hide in the fridge!”
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .