Juicy
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
I was fired from the keyboard factory
I didn't put in enough shifts
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
The western world
A copypasta
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
https://ift.tt/2N9DSmt
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
What do you call a knight with no foreskin?
Sir-cumcised
Why did Sally fall off the swing
She didn’t have any arms; Knock Knock; Who’s there ; Not Sally
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Two Watt Bulbs
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any?" "Any what?" "Yes please!"
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
An excited Muslim comes to heaven’s gates.
He asks saint Peter: "I'd like to see Mohammed. Do you know where he is?" "Mohammed? He's not here. I'm just the gatekeeper. You'll need to go higher." And so the Muslim enters. He sees Mary the god bearer sitting on a bench. "Excuse me. Do you know where I could find Mohammed?" "Mohammed? I think he's at work. You'll need to go higher." Having ascended all the way to the top, he sees Jesus standing before him. "Christ, highest of prophets. I'm looking for Mohammed. Please show me the way." "Mohammed you say? You'll need to go higher." Saying that, Jesus rises his hand and a stairway appears. Thankful, the Muslim goes up the long steps. Suddenly, he finds himself in what looks like an office. God, radiating with divine light, welcomes him. "What do you seek?" "Can I see Mohammed?" "Of course but why the rush. Come. Sit down. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes please." "Mohammed! Two coffees please"
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course – I think the police are wonderful – but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?" "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct." "What about if I were just to think it?" "No sir. You can think whatever you like." "In that case, I think you're a cunt."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
