June
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
What does an annoying pepper do?
It get’s jalapeño face…
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
This is a Mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A priest has a heart attack…
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
