Just a socal experiment to see if it’s possible. (Democrats only)
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger
are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of." Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been three times. I wish I could be taken seriously as an actor." They think about it for a few minutes, and Stallone says, "We should do a serious film. A historical." Arnold grins his huge toothy grin, immediately warming to the idea. "A period piece. That's a great way for our acting comebacks to be taken seriously." Stallone, as the film auteur, keeps working on it. "We want people to be emotionally affected by it. Music really moves people. Can we do something about music?" Schwarzenegger agrees. "We could do classical music. You're Italian; you could play an Italian composer." Sylvester says, "I'll play Vivaldi!" Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
I really hate spheres.
They just seem so pointless to me.
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
“That one about the guy…”
I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. He said "cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water." I knew he meant well.
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!