Just an amazing UI

Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
I have a pure bread dog
His name is Fidough
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
I have a complicated phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.
Because it’s made in China.
A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:
“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed” The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner. That evening her date had arrived but was shocked when she opened the door to find a gentleman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. She said to him “I don’t understand you said you would be perfect for me”. He replied “well I have no arms, so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t chase you around town. She stuttered and said “yes but I also wanted somebody who’s good in bed” … he winked and said “I rang the doorbell didn’t I”.
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy…
At least, that’s what she said in her diary
A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm…
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out. So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer. In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper. The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes. The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”. The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out. The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention
Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".