On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winterâs morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.â
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess Iâm just black toast intolerant.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
Itâs okay if you have no idea what âprefixâ means.
Itâs not the end of the word.
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the âDwayne Johnson Rule.â
Iâd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, âWould I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?â If not, donât say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, âYour chest is epic.â
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay?" "I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.â I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak … "Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I suppose."
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
Two women meets in the afterlife,
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
How tall is Kanye West?
Oh, about Ye high
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, itâs because I use both of my nostrils
Did you hear about the fugitive’s wife?
She was a runaway bride
Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving
He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name. âWhat kind of name is Ving? Itâs so stupid,â he said, frustrated. âYou know, you can get your name changed at city hall.â âReally? Itâs that easy?â âYeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.â I paused. âI can drive you if you want.â âThanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?â âHow about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.â âLee. I like it.â Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldnât just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasnât deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Vingâs face changed. âWhatâs wrong?â I asked. âYouâve been excited all day and yesterday for this.â âI know, I know. Itâs justâ itâs my dadâs name too. I donât know.â Ving sighed. âI donât think I can go through with it.â Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors. âDad!â Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son. âDonât stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.â
Why do Americans still think they are in âThe Greatest country in the worldâ?
When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasnât my test, but I took it anyway.
Two prisoners working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom. The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window. The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but whatâs the zip code to Dawsonâs Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there