Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
Why doesn’t the bullet have a steady job
Because it keeps getting fired
Why did Sally fall off the swing
She didn’t have any arms; Knock Knock; Who’s there ; Not Sally
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
I dig… You dig… He dig… She dig… We dig… They dig…
Now it's not a very beautiful poem… But it's quite deep
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
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If you boil a funnybone…
You get a laughingstock. Which is humerus.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long