Just can’t stop laughing
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
But when I do, he usually laughs
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
I don’t believe him.
To cover his butt quack
I have a hunch it might be me.
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
It was difficult to deal with.
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
Another great thing ruined by a period.
She discriminates against other cultures.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Or should I spread them apart
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
XI is just a fucking asshole.
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
You don't know what you're missing!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
It writes other words too.