Just chill out fat man😂
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Unless you Count Dracula.
They’re free of charge if you’re interested.
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
How do you drive this thing
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
Thanks for nothing!
From my chemistry teacher; Frank Jr. "Yeah I have the same name as my dad. You want to know his best dad joke? Every time he calls me on the cellphone, he starts the conversation with "listen, I'm gonna be frank with you"
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
He wrote poultry for her.
It nuts and bolts
They always take things literally.
Something inside me is telling me yes
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.” Wife: “My God! What’s happened?” Husband: “She got fired too”
It's not stroganoff
She’d be my daughter🥰
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
The tree was stumped.
Quick answers please.
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
Love Roman numerals
So I put my foot down
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
It's syncing now.
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
It’s not hard
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.