Why did the ‘A’ go into the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
He had a vowel movement.
I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
Your penis is so small…
that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees! Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?” She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Please never ask me if something is electric
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spices…
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes