Just don’t
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
open toad
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian…..
…. an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub… The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
He’s transparent
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes aparent.
I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Son : “Why is the food so cold and bland?”
Dad : "Because your mother put her heart and soul into it."
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
but when I do, he laughs.