Just don’t buy clothes, simple
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
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Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” My mother told this joke… I dont know if its original
I'm going to put my glasses on
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
I mean, how low can you go?
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
You have my word
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
Let's all just stick to inside jokes for now.
Sometimes he laughs
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
They’re hill areas
You look for fresh prints
It’s open Mike night!
He is now called winnie the flu
But i didn't think it wood work.