If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
A moral joke, finally!
The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?' ''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Pin drop silence in the class !! ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ? "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
When does a new joke become an “old” joke?
After you’ve reddit.
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”