Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. βPrivate! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.β βYes, Sir!β The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. βSee, British soldiers are the bravest.β βThatβs nothingβ said the Russian General βComrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.β βDa, Comrade General!β The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. βNobody more brave than Russian soldier.β The American general, unimpressed said βLet me show you all what real courage is.β He calls one of his men over. βPrivate! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!β Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says βGo fuck yourself, General.β βSee! Now that takes some real balls!β
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
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What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
βRabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, heβs decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?β The rabbi strokes his beard and says, βFunny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.β βWhat did you do?β asked the man of the rabbi. βI turned to God for the answer,β replied the rabbi. βWhat did he say?β asked the man. He said, βFunny you should come to me…β
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, βOh pun the door!β
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.
The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."ο»Ώ
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
A Canadian..
Can't.
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called βFuck The Fire Departmentβ ….
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since heβs seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how thatβs possible after what heβs just seen. βOh that,β the man says. βWell, tonightβs my night to be the Designated Decoy.β
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
P. It's like R, but missing a leg.
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
With great reflexes comes great response ability
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Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is beginning to deliver the baby
The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I…" Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You have a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to…" Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?