Just gonna go to the bathroom for a bit, nothing special.
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
My wife thinks I donβt give her enough privacy…
At least, thatβs what she said in her diary
I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.
So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
#textblob #python #translator Spell Checker & Languages Translator pro…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcgtoxRXnRk&feature=share
An old Jew on his deathbed
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?"
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but it has no atmosphere
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
A meme I made. Pay no attention to my partner in the otter room with Paint open.
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, βI think I took this joke too far.β
I went to buy camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldnβt see myself wearing any
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.