Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
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Social distancing with good boi = good
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child…
I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
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What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Emerging back into society after a heavy dose of programming can be tough
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
When non-tech people ask me to describe my job
To the person who stole my glasses IM WARNING YOU!!
I have contacts
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
The rare s*x scene
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
Wife/ Women = bad. (Found in t/HoldUp)
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
It’s hard work figuring this out
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
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I wish my wife was dead
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
HAHA REDDIT 100 BRUH
My first meme. Hope you like it
Geology rocks but Geography is where its at.
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What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
Instagram is a goldmine of this shit
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
Dear God. I’m not even a millennial and this is gag-worthy.
it’s a long way back up
Fake Farmer Nunes
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
This one hit a nerve
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
I’ve never met him before
Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors?
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
That’s what table salt is
Most accurate description I’ve ever seen.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Though shall not speak the truth
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
Nasa is making a new earth, suggestions for new earth ??
I went on a tea marathon last night.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
Did you read Glass documentation?
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Leadership vs Reality TV
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
he LITERALLY caught the bug 😂🤣😅
They also have another thing in common, they are both murderers