Just got hired as a science teacher and this is immediately a fear of mine
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
This sub is going downhill
https://i.imgur.com/CJaxoIO.jpg
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
I really hate spheres.
They just seem so pointless to me.
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to light
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.
The plot thickens.
Due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.
Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son was in there. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "That's my dad outside." "How much did you say the baseball was again?" "$250." The man reluctantly paid the boy, and after waiting for an hour, finally managed to sneak out of the house unseen. A few weeks later, it happens again. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball glove." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." "How much did you say the glove was again?" "$750." "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" "I can't. I sold them," the boy replies. "Really? How much did you sell them for?" "$1,000." "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. "Dark in here," the boy says. The priest growls. "Don't start that shit again."
We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.