Just got it before my physics practicals
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
No potatoes.
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?
He was a little chilly.
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
A house goes to the doctor complaining about its windows.
When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, "I have panes all over."
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
What sound do ceiling fans make?
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.
On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … Ohhh … God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
Donald Trump
[removed]
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire….
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic man?
He walked into a bra…
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
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