Just happened a few minutes ago. Whilst wrapping an easel for our daughter my better half said “how am I going to wrap this?” I replied “Easely”. Not even a smile :( wasted talent here.
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Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
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Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
I can really taste the change.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
They can't have their nose and eat it too.
They put in a lot of shifts.
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
I'm the real part.
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
Someone who is fed up with people.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Husband: Your chin.
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
I guess it was a moving violation.
A laughing stock
Fruit of the tomb