Just in time for exam season…
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
Someone has been sneaking into my garden and adding top soil…
The plot thickens.
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
Cascading opinion
Because downvotes are very offensive.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
What does a house wear?
Address
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Well, to be Frank, i’d have to change my name
No text found
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
