Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
I downloaded the music of the film Titanic
It's synching now
My favourite sex position is called “WOW” …
It's where I flip your MOM over
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
I was up all night wondering where the sun went,
but then it dawned on me.
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
An old man was sitting next to a kid
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack… So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate? So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old -And you think it's because he ate chocolate? -No, it's because he minded his own business.
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆