Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
I went to a “Put An End To Sarcasm” meeting.
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day. I said, "My legs."
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
I can cut a log just by looking at it!
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
I just can’t deal with this any more.
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
An Afghan
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub…. The doorman stops them and says, ‘sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai’.
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
https://ift.tt/2xVb5gR
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.