Just killed the joke
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasnโt my first choice, but Iโm okay with it.
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said โ son, thatโs 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isnโt for you.โ
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" โWe're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. โIt was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What did he say?" "He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'" Edit: Thank you for the gold.
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
A list of puns
Here's a list of puns I've been collecting: How do you throw a space party? You planet. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Nope. Unintended. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans." A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The broom swept the nation away. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says โDo you smell fish?โ Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didnโt have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldnโt put it down. I couldnโt remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison. What should you do if youโre cold? Stand in the corner. Itโs 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence. Why shouldnโt you trust atoms? They make up everything. Whatโs the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You canโt tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. Whatโs it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, itโs too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales. Why canโt you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban. Why didnโt the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighborโs backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen. Whatโs it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks. Whatโs americaโs favorite soda? Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru. What do you call a spanish pig? Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline. Why donโt vampires go to barbecues? They donโt like steak. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head. How do trees access the internet? They log on. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
So Iโm giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, Iโm giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
When my dentist reminded me about my wifeโs sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentistsโฆ
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldnโt want to offend them.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
A husband and wife are playing a crossword puzzle
Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters. Wife: Never. Husband: Pistol, 3 letters. Wife: Gun. Husband: Disgust, 3 letters. Wife: Ugh. Husband: Charity, 4 letters. Wife: Give. Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters. Wife: Ewe. Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters. Wife: Up.
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, itโs probably shit.
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.ย
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage