Just lo-fi meme for you, guys
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was..
In the end I had to call it a day..
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink. After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst… that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture
But now I stand corrected
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
I really get a kick out of it.
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
I tripped over my wife’s bra left on the bedroom floor last night…
Damn boobie traps
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.