Just now realizing he’s food
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
No text found
It’s not stroganoff
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
He let out a little wine.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
It always was my achilles elbow.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
She was seeing other people
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter’s eyes.
I told my wife: There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!" This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
I said “Is that a fret”
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
Yep. It can happen.
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
An algebraille equation.
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
sadly none of them work.
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
A rip off.
They’re, there, their.
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.