Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
cleaning with alcohol doesn’t work…
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts βMickey Mouse!β This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agentβs supervisor takes him aside and asks, βWhat in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?β Blushing, the agent replies, βI got nervous. I meant to shout…… βDonald duck.β
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
βDad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?β
βHm, thatβs a good question, son. I think I have an idea.β βOkay, dad. What is it?β βYou should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.β βWhy would I post that, dad?β βBecause then when people like it, youβll get a lot of Up votes.β
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the Main stream.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: No, why would I pick you?
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Bob.” Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!" "Never!" said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Teenage daughter asked “When is that new Elton John movie coming out?”
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
βI guess alpaca my bags.β
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
Why canβt the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line upΒ and do the same.Β When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger."Β The class was horrified. Some of them threw up.Β "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here."Β "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"