Just poop
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God…
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell…
But they only became more sluggish
A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
Bob the milkman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?" He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area." (True story)
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
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