An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
Man, I really love my furniture
me and my recliner go way back.
Some lettuce is better than others
It shall romaine nameless.
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
There once was a woman who had 100 children….
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?
They were sole mates
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch…he delivered!
https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.