Just say no to “socialism”, dear republicans…
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right. Edit thanks for the silver u/WindyDizzel
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world