Just shave it at that point
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
There was a young man…
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hourβs examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, βI agree, but under four conditions.β The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, βAnd what are the four conditions?β The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, βFirst, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.β After another long pause a voice arose and asked, βAnd the fourth condition?β The Pope replied, βBig tits.β
How does music say goodbye
Audios
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
Why is Beef a bad password
Itβs not stroganoff
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
βMan I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dudeβs house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!β βNo way!β βYes way,β insists Fred, βcome with me and check it out for yourself if you donβt believe me.β – Twenty minutes later theyβre ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, βHi! Iβm sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesnβt believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!β – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, βRoger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!β
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse…
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD. He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter." She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?" He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom." Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?" The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"
National Dad Conference
Speaker: βI'm glad you could all make itβ Whole crowd: in unison βHi glad you could all make it, We're dadβ Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause heβs not a full essay
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
Theyβre changing their name to Knockers.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera