Just so everybody’s clear…
I’m going to put my glasses on…
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR
Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.
General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again. Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
“You are under arrest for downloading the whole of Wikipedia!”
“Wait, I can explain everything.”
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
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Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
I told my teenage daughter to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh dad you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
Your momma’s so fat
Thanos had to clap
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.