Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
Programmers Love Triangle
Light: Bend me daddy
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I said, “Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
It’s almost as though they only really want guns so they can shoot people
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
You know the drill
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
Increasingly Desperate Alex Jones Says He Will Kill and Eat His Neighbors
Free parking, anyone?
Weijia Jiang, ftw💕
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
Wanna hear a funny joke? My life
Life as a programmer
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
Sometimes hope is a bad thing
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
Understanding stack traces is an art
It may be garbage but its my garbage
Facts over feelings
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a–base
Programming on a laptop feels like this
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
thanks immune system
Teams after algorithm analysis
Sorry for the typo, but I’m too lazy to fix it
Y’all blind af.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
When you only use Python from time to time
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
Sometimes it only takes going to lunch …
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
I named my horse Mayo.
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
Wet girls overflow
911, I just witnessed a murder…
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
Well the css Work !
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Many people are saying…
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
Has anyone done this yet?
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
Tax is the best Charity