Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
You should never trust umbrella companies
They run a shady buisness
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
Told this Chemistry joke before on here…
… But I got a very bad reaction
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"