Just sold my homing pigeons on eBay.
For the 22nd time.
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
Duck fart
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
https://ift.tt/2N9DSmt
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
Asian girls don’t poop…
…they take dumplings.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."