Just some family friendly puzzle time
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl…
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
I just can’t deal with this any more.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Add a nipple to it.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “I want to try doggy tonight.”
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”