Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
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We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
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I will not die in vein!
Because he's a pain in the neck.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
…does that mean they're on standbi?
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
They never get them
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
"This is my butterfly collection! We have a wide range. This is Fred- off there in the corner. The monarch. Beautiful pattern. We got him from the Toledo Zoo. But careful you don't startle him- he isn't the socialist of butterflies."
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The coronavirus is going to cause the next Boomer effect.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
I decided to let him sleep
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
They have a lot of pressure on them.
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving