JUST STAY HOME
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
How do you tell a joke is a dad joke
It’s apparent
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?
Because of the tele-ban
I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?
Son up to son down.
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
I’m as humble as equal sign.
I know I’m not > or < than any anyone else
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Title
https://ift.tt/2Or1Fxj
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.