Just stop
My ex-wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better!
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?
In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day. The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?" The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player's head!" The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! " The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."