Just the first part would’ve been fine
Did you hear about the canine comedian?
His jokes are ruff
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
A moral joke, finally!
The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?' ''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Pin drop silence in the class !! ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ? "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
Day 284 without sex…
Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
What rock group has 4 members that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
Guy named Eddie walks into the men’s room at a bar.
As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?" "What can I do for you?" says Eddie, praying he isn't going to ask what he thinks he might. Sure enough, he does. "I know this is a lot to ask of a complete stranger, but would you mind unbuttoning my trousers so I can take a leak? As you can see, I'm in a tight spot here." Eddie grimaces a little before reluctantly agreeing. He quickly reaches over and undoes the guy's zipper. Armless guy then says, "Do you think you could, you know, pull it out for me? Sorry to ask, but I'm about to piss myself. Eddie says, "You gotta be kidding. You're asking me to grab your dick and aim it towards the pisser?" "Please, man, I don't have any other options here." Eddie, feeling sorry for the guy and feeling pissed off simultaneously, mutters to himself as he reaches in, and gingerly pulls out his dick. As he does, he first of all notices this putrid smell before seeing several open oozing sores on the guy's dick. Totally disgusting. While the guy is pissing, Eddie rushes over to the sink and washes his hands in hot water. As the armless guy finishes up, Eddie grabs a couple of paper towels because he knows what's coming. Sure enough, he gets asked if he'll put it away for him. As he tucks the guy's horrific pecker back into his trousers and buttons him up, Eddie says to the guy, "OK listen, I'm sorry but I have to ask … What the hell is the deal with your dick?! "Beats the shit out of me," he answers, and then produces both arms from inside his jacket and slides them into his sleeves, "But I sure as fuck don't want to touch it."
A professor, a janitor, and the school’s principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he can't take the kids' screaming any longer, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The principal says "I'll be a waitress. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze." She is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive her insane, so she smashes her plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'd like to be an artist." He is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, and sells it for several million dollars. The fairy asks the janitor "The other two did not go well at their job. How were you able to become so successful?" The janitor says "I have a masters degree in art."
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"