just the necessities
There are two types of people. People who need closure
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[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal
They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old…
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
I had some delicious honey on my toast this morning.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
I have some old dead batteries if anybody wants them.
They are free of charge.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
I don’t trust elevators anymore.
They are always either up to something or letting you down.
In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did
So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
