Just turn it on and off again!
Me in CS-101 writing my first insertion sort algorithm, 2014 [Colorized]
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
How the poor look when they defend billionaires
Call of duty skills.
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Haha very funny
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
mOdErN aRt BaD
At the mercy of Combover Caligula’s fickle whims
Anyone else need to join this chapter?
Ah yes, that was in my English book.
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
Ah yes, enslaved machine learning
When the Ryzen 5 beats the Core i9
Found this in the wild in a “dad joke” facebook group.
r/jokes is holding a meetup.
Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event. "Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank–" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head. Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body. Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host. "I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to—" u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before. As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again. After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side. "Welco–" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his. Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?" Death turned around and gave his answer. "To reap host."
It’s only words.
Remember to not skip testing!
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
the true power of the hotdog
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
sudo upvote | grep all
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
book scary to zoomers
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
I hate my wife
Happy Valentine’s Day I guess
*rotates cannon towards sun*
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
It do be like that sometimes
Found this in my local hospital
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
I laughed and then I felt bad.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
Not gonna lie edge is pretty good now
Here’s to a record-breaking run! 🍻🇺🇸
Bad luck Sommerfeld
That look on your face when you know it’s going to be your last:
That seems to be the criteria
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
A subpoena is a subpoena.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
Women ha ha ha
I’m sure someone will claim this is politically bias.
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
for (i = 0…
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
Always deploy on Friday