Just what the doctor ordered…
Cursive good. Texting bad
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
Netflix: Are you still watching? Someone’s daughter:
Zucc is fucked
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
SyntaxError: invalid brrrrr
Tiny Laughing Stock -Another TinyLegoTrump Add-On
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Sickle Cell Anemia Is Just The Blood Going Communist
they have a name you know >:(
I’m still crying
How to quarantine millennials.
Pink Panther’s To Do List
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
Imma going in
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'… she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
Nice sweatband, too
Am I supposed to taste metal and blood?
Eight missed calls from [chain restaurant]
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
america is jonestown and “open the economy” is the kool aid
It does put a smile in his face
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
Curse you git-blame!
That moment when the right no longer cares about you…
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
Homo sapiens, (Latin: “wise man”)
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
So what is a ‘px’ unit?
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
Get out there Donny!
Never leave home without your, well, you know
Facebook is so depressing
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
Donald Trump wants this picture removed from the internet. DON’T SHARE IT!
Is everything ok?
I have a fear of over-designed buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
My dad just sent this one
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
So easily triggered
These posts showed up one after the other..poor New Zealand
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.