Just when I thought I’d seen all the dumbest shit…
Dad jokes
But usually he's pretty serious
Ethnic joke…
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… … walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group… "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister go to a blood drive
The rabbit says “I’m pretty sure I’m a type-o”
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
Did I tell you about the girl who only eats plants?
You've probably never heard of herbivore
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
