Just why?
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
What’s the difference between a pest and vermin?
Walt Disney.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Wanna feel old?
Wait
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
There’s a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven….
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
No text found
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
My favorite sex position is “WOW”…
it's where I flip your MOM over
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
A man goes for confession …
The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “