Just…. Why?
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
Target suggesting I travel over 4500 miles to buy my daughter a $200 bike today.
https://ift.tt/2Y0PiPb
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
Why do they call it marijuana possession
And not joint custody
Damn girl, are you a piñata?
Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
classic
classic
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues