Just…. why?
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
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My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny!
Judge: Stuck in a penny? Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic association.
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
Why do stormtroopers only have iPhones?
They couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company