Just why
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
Children of the quarn.
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn't Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”