Just why
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.
The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together – one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul – they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in. It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
Doctor: Sorry sir.. Your DNA is reversed.
Man: AND ?
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
You think all these puns on r/dadjokes are bad?
Wait until you sea mine
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
