“You are under arrest for downloading the whole of Wikipedia!”
“Wait, I can explain everything.”
Haha print goes brrrr.
left for a stronger affinity
It took me 5 minutes 😂
When other students ask why I don’t use a fancy debugger
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
This is the bad place
haha get it? Because old women keep cats to fight loneliness
Gender Pay Gap
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
Well that sucks…
When you afraid the truth…
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
Let’s ruffle some gun nut feathers today
Rope. Tree. Hypocrisy.
My Research so far on the TREX (NSFW)
Burnt my hawaiian pizza last night.
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
I made a boomer comic. if you can’t beat them, join them
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
This one gave me a chuckle
Genes of an android developer VS a normal human being
Python gives you wings
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
Trump gets his parade
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
It says It’s important to have a balanced meal in hungarian
low effort OC
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.” The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
My mom sent this to me
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
Access to information bad
It’s doing a great job
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
What they say
Glad we cleared that up
Must be his first day
Wife bad friend good.
Try drinking Methanol
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Virgin Hydroxychloroquine vs. ChAdOx1
Invited to join a FB group, this was the hook…
Kids need to learn cursive in school again!
Unborn children have a great defender!
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
Old, but still true..
Vin had it right
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
The face says it all
ah yes, protecting the environment is bad ….(translation in yellow)
The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)
Another classic… A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. … … … … The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' …. I just lost it!
friends are temporary, depression is forever
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Protesters were out of bounds
Bitch better have my money when I come to collect
Saw a comment in a politics thread. Turned it into a shirt
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camoflauge jacket..
You can hide, but you cant run
How do bees brush their hair?
Might as well try
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic…
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.